Here's my answer: I'm not heartbroken

I'm sure many of you have heard of my latest happenings in life. And sometimes I find that writing about it is a little helpful to explain it all. 

Many of you have continued to ask me how I feel now, and what happened and if I'm okay..
So, I share this experience not to get your pity, or sorrow for me, but because hopefully this can help you all come to understand my answer, and so that you can come to feel as much peace and comfort as I do.

2 Saturdays ago, I was writing addresses on wedding invitations and talking to my fiance, getting ready to mail out the first bunch. We were getting married in 2 weeks. And then in less than 6 hours, my entire life felt as though it had exploded.

Being happily engaged and in love with someone that you were planning on saying "I do forever" to, you would never expect that in those 6 hours, you would no longer be needing to send out those wedding invitations. 

We were supposed to go to dinner with his parents that evening. And when it started getting later in the day, I asked if we were still going to go. His response was "I already went"... and that was extremely odd to me and already gave me a bad feeling in my gut...

After Christian came by where I had been living, and told me that he decided that he no longer wanted to marry me, I felt as though my heart had literally been ripped out of my chest... barely hours ago there were "I love you's", and "I hope your having a good day" messages being received from the man who was always so sweet to me since the first moment we spoke.

Never in a million years would I have expected to hear that man tell me, "I decided I won't marry you anymore. We don't have the same values. I don't think you don't have a good foundation in the church. If we had kids we probably wouldn't raise them the same. You aren't good enough for me. I'm pretty sure you don't read your scriptures before bed. I will not choose you over my parents no matter what. I have to rely on the advice and wisdom of my parents. You don't like enough of my posts on social media. I don't love you anymore...."

In my mind as those words were being said I only could think "Is this a joke?" ... I mean none of those reasons are valid for all of a sudden not wanting to marry someone you say you love anymore. ESPECIALLY the one about social media? That one just completely blows my mind, I mean they all did. 

After giving his unphased speech about why he wouldn't marry me and why I wasn't good enough in his parents' eyes, and with me in tears not knowing what was happening or why and receiving no real answers; he left. 

I was left there in my room, not able to recognize the person who had just spoke to me that I thought I knew; whom I loved; and who I was 2 weeks away from starting a life with. I was left confused and unable to breathe, and my parents were 2,000 miles away...

I was so lucky because the place I was living was in my uncle and aunt's home, until I was supposed to be married. 

All I could muster out as I went downstairs and saw my uncle was "I don't think we need to mail out any invitations anymore..." and that is all I could get out before breaking down into tears as my uncle wrapped his arms around me and my aunt soon after joined. 

After trying to get out what had just occurred upstairs 5 minutes ago, I called my parents and in some form of sobbing english, told them what just happened. And they, like everyone else, were beyond shocked. No one really knew what to do. I mean what could you do, besides sit there and cry and wonder. 

I tried getting ahold of him, tried to call or send a message to ask what was happening or why he said those things.... but he had blocked my phone number so that I could not reach him. Which only added to the heartbreak. I had no answers. I was blindsided. And I didn't get a say or get a proper conversation about any of it...

I laid awake the entire night not knowing what to do or trying to hope that maybe I was just having a bad dream and I would wake up from it soon. But it never ended. 

7:30 a.m. came around and still awake, I decided I may as well start getting ready for my church meetings that started soon. 

I felt miserable. I wanted to happily greet all of my friends that I saw that day like I normally did, or at least try and fake being happy so they wouldn't see, but I couldn't muster it. And I'm sure everyone was able to notice.

I sat in church quietly the whole time just praying for some peace, and praying for some answers, and praying that I could just get through church without choking back tears the entire time. 

I asked God "Why me?"... "Why do I have to go through such devastating heart break like this again?" ... "Is there something wrong with me?" 

I got through the rest of Sunday thanks to a great bishop who gave me such amazing counsel and insight, and thanks to great friends and family that kept me company throughout the day. 

That evening Christian came by to get a box of his things and brought his parents with him, and they stared at me throughout the entire exchange glaring at me and saying nothing. It felt completely horrible.

Before leaving the house with his box, he walked up to me, patted me on the back, and said "it'll be fine" and left....

A pat on the back.. from the man I love... that's all I got after all he said to me.. after we were supposed to be married...

Thoughts were all over my mind because that made zero sense... A pat on the back as if I were nothing to him... what was this?

Monday came around and I spent the morning in the Provo temple with my cousin.. praying again for peace and for comfort. Praying for more answers. Praying for guidance. Praying for a healed heart. And part of me praying for him to come back and say he made a huge mistake.

I still felt completely broken Monday morning, knowing everything with the wedding had been dumped on me to take care of. I now had an apartment to sell, paperwork to take care of, and so many things to pay for alone now. I felt broken until things started happening Monday morning that were completely eye-opening to me. 

First... when I got out of the temple and turned on my phone... my phone began blowing up with messages. A few of which were from his parents, texting me telling me I was such a rude, disrespectful, and selfish girl... and that I would never have contact with their son again... when I had done nothing but reach out to them to ask if he was okay. 

Seeing this and being called these things was devastating and hurtful. I was in disbelief and even more confused as to why all of this was happening, and why I wasn't even allowed answers.

Then... later in the afternoon, I came to find out that he had tried to withdraw all of my money from my bank account that was not even his to take. Thankfully it remained safe in my account, untouched.. 

This was even more mind-blowing to me. How could he do this to me? Who is this person I was supposed to spend forever with?
He told me he loved me and told me he wanted to marry me, and now he tries to take my money, his family calls me names, and he leaves me behind like it's nothing... 

Again, only confusion and shock are all that I can feel. 

I felt numb.

The only times I ever received messages from him, were those sent from his phone from his parents... which hurt 10 times more because it was almost like they wanted me to believe that he was reaching out to me after what he did..

My family switched their flights to Utah to come out 3 days after what happened instead of later as was planned for the wedding. They came out to help me take care of the things I was left with and to take me back home with them for a few weeks after we got my life situated again from the damage that was just done. 

During the week that my family was here to help, it was a constant battle with his family to get things done as cordially as possible. We wanted nothing but peace and respect from the situation and to move on as it was hard enough for me to go through all of this in the cruel way that it had happened. 

There was a phone call on a drive back to Provo between my dad and his dad.

The call was just so that my dad could get them to please just meet and speak with them so that everything could be properly taken care of. But it only went badly... hearing the unkind things his parents said to mine were so horrible and unbelievable. Hearing them say that it didn't matter how I felt about the situation because Christian was the one who decided what just happened and that's what mattered... or that they didn't care if I felt blindsided by it.... it was not fun to listen to, among other inconsiderate and harsh comments made from them.

Again this made me think "what is happening..." "who is this man that I was going to marry.. " "I could never treat someone I love like this, so why are they doing it to me.."

My family and I took care of everything and flew home to Kentucky the next week to just be home, head to the beach, and take time away.

So to everyone's questions of how are you doing? Are you okay? Are you just heartbroken and devastated?

If you would've asked me those questions in those first 2 days my answers would have been yes I am heart broken. I am doing horrible and I can't breathe. I have lost the man I love and my life feels as though it is over. 

But ask me those questions now and my answer is this:

I am not heartbroken over him. I am not just pining around for him and feeling as though my life is over. The only thing that still has me thinking at night is "what the heck happened?" "what had him change so quickly?"  The confusion is the only thing that still has me thinking.

I will not spend my time asking if I am just broken, or what is wrong with me, or if I am just unlovable. Because there isn't anything wrong with me. And I am not broken, nor am I unlovable.
I am a daughter of God and if nothing else, I know that he looks out for me an that he loves me. And this experience has strengthened my knowledge of that more than anything.

I feel more grateful than devastated because I realize that I dodged a bullet. I would not want to live my life with someone who won't "choose me over his parents" or who could so quickly treat me like that in such a harsh way or be so quick to judge me. I shouldn't be with someone whose parents control what they do and then in turn, control my marriage with them. That would lead to the most unhappy life. I won't apologize for being raised to be independent and to live my own life. I won't apologize for standing up for myself or for those that I love.
And I guess if someone had the opportunity to be with me and chose to walk away like that after I gave them so much, then it is their loss. He and his family made it easy for me. They handled a delicate situation so cruelly, that they made it easy for my eyes to be opened to what I was almost married into. They made it easy for me to feel okay and to feel peace.
 I know that something better is out there, and that there is someone who will love me and will never walk away, and who will treat me with the care and respect that I deserve everyday. I know that although this seemed like it would be impossible to get through, the Lord has looked out for me, and I know that I need to put all of my trust in him. 

I am grateful for friends and family who have been there for me through it all and continue to show such amazing love and support. I don't know what I would have done without you all. I'm also grateful for my savior and for his atonement. I know he has felt all pain that I will ever feel and that through him and my heavenly father I can feel peace.